Finding My Voice

So. My time away. Two weeks in the country. Seriously. Good south Texas, the nearest shopping is at least an hour away,country. If you’ve been reading along, you know that this year has rocked me to the core personally. Well. For a month before I left to go out of town I felt like I was drowning and I just couldn’t manage to get it together. A friend who lives 5hrs away called me up and says ‘u should come spend some time with me. You need a break, I need you here and I just feel like the Lord is saying it’s time. I’m comin to get u.’ (yeah literally she drove 5hrs to pick me up and take me back home w/her). The first weekend it didn’t happen. But the next weekend it did. She got here at 4pm we left at 10pm and were back at her place around 2a.m. on Sunday morning.

I can’t even begin to remember all the details of the two weeks away, but that first week was the week I really got face-to-face with God on a different level. Just somethin’ about being away and not having to immediately deal with anything. It was easy to find the privacy and the anonymity to deal with some things. My friend had to work so that gave me every day pretty much to let God just have His way…

That whole week was all about God softening my heart and preparing me to let go. Beginning to open my ears again to His Spirit in a way that I haven’t experienced in months. In the mornings in the quiet of the corner of the couch. In the shower. At night as I lay in bed praying over Mister or as I sat up reflecting on the things that were happening. He spoke. As I watched my friend. He spoke. And after a week of leading, He instructed.

“Let go. Letting go your pain is the most courageous thing you will ever do. Because it leaves you vulnerable again. It means you choose to trust and it means you choose to believe. It opens your eyes and your heart again in a way that leaves you subject to love. To give up your pain is a sacrifice, but you must if you want to live.”

So. Over the next couple of days, I did. And evertyhing began to change.

Doing this w/a friend was not exactly what I would’ve wanted but it was a blessing in disguise that God called it to be this way. We all know by now that trust is a challenge for me. I trust myself. I trust God. I trust paper and pen. I can put pretty much all that I think, feel or believe down on paper. I can say it all out loud to God. But rarely do I give all that to other people. This night though, God said “You need to learn to trust people to love you and support you. You trust your journaling and your blogging. But you need to learn to trust people. Talk to her. Trust her.” So I did.

And it was… not what I would’ve wanted. But it was EXACTLY what I needed. Because of where she is in her own life, her perspective is really clouded. And I knew that, which is why I had no intention of talking with her in depth. But God said so… so… I did… and she crossed a line. Which was the key to the whole week. Her statement hit my ears wrong and my immediate response was silence – because really. Why would I have kept talking? But IMMEDIATELY, the Lord said ‘fight back’. So… I did. And in that moment a couple of things happened: God showed me some things in her that I needed to see and He gave me back my voice and my own personal sense of courage, boldness, and confidence.

In those moments, I knew that God had begun restoring me inside.

The next morning was church. I wasn’t sure what to expect in the face of all that had happpened the night before. But church. We got there and the message was just for me. Blew my mind. Again. God talked the whole time. He answered questions that I dont know if I ever put in print and that I do know I’ve only verbalized to a couple people. He gave me insights and understanding that just took my breath away. And for the first time in months there was music in my spirit!!!

One of my joys is to sing. But I haven’t been able to for a long time. My heart hasn’t been willing. But that Sunday at church, I did. And it was bliss! I felt like myself again. I felt for the first time in a long time that I was not broken inside but like God had put the pieces back together and that I was being led back to a me that I know and understand. It was the best feeling in the world, that there was worship in my heart.

And over the second week, I was free to rest and relax and just catch my breath a little bit. I knew it was time to get ready to come home. And as the week progressed, God kept talking about lots and lots of things. He walked me thru the process of Him reviving my heart and reawakening parts of my spirit that have been silent lately. He made me ready to come home…

The night before we left, I was sitting and wondering if I was really comin’ back. God gave me this mental image of a forked road, with me standing at the fork. One path was the road home, walking into a beautiful sunrise. The other was the path I would be taking if I stayed. Full of darkness…

When the trip was first arranged, it was offered to me to stay indefinitely – which was a great tempation because running away is all I’ve wanted to do for months. But as I sat with God that night, He took me to my bible and spoke directly to my spirit:

1 Peter 5:10-12 

10 In his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus. So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation. 11 All power to him forever! Amen. 12 I have written and sent this short letter to you with the help of Silas,[c] whom I commend to you as a faithful brother. My purpose in writing is to encourage you and assure you that what you are experiencing is truly part of God’s grace for you. Stand firm in this grace.

I knew that it was time to come home and take care of my life. So I went to bed and talked to God. Got up the next morning and did the last thing He asked me to do before I left to come back. My heart was ready, my spirit was at peace, and my mind was made up.

I got home and real life started that night. But it wasn’t the same as when I left. I faced it confidently and I did exactly what God asked of me…

A fresh heart and a clear mind. It makes all the difference in the world…

Thanks God for the beauty of submission. I love you more now than I did before and I want to live life on Your terms alone. All that I am and anything that I will become is a matter of Your grace and lovingkindness. In everything I give You thanks because Your every act toward me is kindness. The season past was Grace. The season ahead will be the same. I will count it all joy and I will live for You alone. You’re all that matters and I will follow You forward. I have so long longed for things to be different, but there is a tremendous grace in the way You’ve allowed them to be now. This is our chance for new life and a fresh start. I’ll take it and all that it brings, because I trust You that this is best for me, best for us. You are a good God, faithful and just, righteous in all Your ways. I love You and I am Yours alone. You are Father, Master, & Friend. My heart beats for you. Help me to be the woman You desire and allow me to love my family in the way that pleases You. Forgive me for my resistance and my failures. Restore to us the years the locusts have stolen. Make us confident what we have and who we are in You. Transform us into Your image and make our lives beautiful testimonies of Your power and Your Love. Thank you, Lord for everything. In Jesus’ Name. Amen.

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