“Behold I Am doing a new thing”
This whole business of doing and believing that the outcome won’t be a ridiculous mess. It’s tough. I really hadn’t realized til the middle of my trip just how much I’ve come to associate obedience with pain. Dont get me wrong. I don’t regret the path I’ve chosen. It’s just that, so far along this road pretty much everything I’ve done knowing that it’s right and contrary to what my natual mind would say has brought with it something really inconvenient, if not just down right painful.
But funny thing. It seems that all that’s starting to shift now. I know right?! I should be ecstatic. And I am. But ever so cautiously. Me and Mister. We’ve both been pretty quiet. Thinking and tryin’ to figure this thing out. God’s told me some things that I’m seeing clear evidence of now. And that’s a serious encouragement at this point in the game cuz really. Exhausted is not the word.
But today, hopeful keeps seeming to be the perfect word to describe my spirit. All week long I’ve heard ‘let your heart be soft toward him’… and all week I been like ‘uh… ok’… And then yesterday, an instruction that always comes right before something of significance ‘tie your loose ends’… Needless to say, I haven’t been sure what to make of all that.
And then this morning we talked. It was different. Whatever has been between us lately, its not there anymore. It was easy and blissfully normal. Finally, it felt right. And finally it feels safe to let my guards down and just relax a little bit. He talked to me today in a way that says he trusts me to be there for him, to have his back. And shock of all shocks I was able (or maybe the right way to say that is WILLING *ahem*) to listen, no matter what and to help him feel like he’s not completely stuck out.
The instruction when I came home was to be a door to him, not a wall. I wasn’t so sure of that. Nor was I a fan. But I did it. It was awkward and a little more than not comfortable but I did it. And lo and behold, the results are not making me ache inside. Really, it’s quite the opposite. Opening up and being a little more forthcoming emotionally seems to be doing some good. Turns out obedience isn’t hurting this time.
Can I just say how happy that makes me inside?
I know it sounds dumb, but this is totally new territory for me. And him too apparently. I asked him a question earlier and he was all ‘are you saying you will if…’, followed by a clear statement that he was asking a legitimate question and not just being flip. My response was that I’m really trying to say what’s on my mind and just give him a clue so we can figure things out in a way that makes sense w/out him having to try and be a mind-reader. Bless his heart, I think he went into shock. 😀
All that said, and obviously it has to do with more than just Mister, things are getting better. There’s some light now, insteada just pitch-blackness. The eye of the storm seems to have passed – at least for the moment, and we’re finally entering that part right before the end where the rain is steady but not really all that hard. You know, that part that makes you just wanna be like ‘c’mon already. can ya just end now?!’ But it’s only irritating cuz u know it’s almost done and you just are tired of waiting. That’s the best way I can describe this now. I finally feel like we made it outta that crazy red zone and now we’re making our way to shore – in tact and whole.
Slowly but surely the sun is comin’ out. God’s been saying that to me for weeks now, in various ways but I haven’t been willing to take the chance and believe Him. Today it felt like He was giving me a clear signal that I can rest and just believe Him.
I seriously think I’m gonna take Him up on that offer too. Who knows, engraved invitations, rest and all manner of other positive revelation. This just might turn out to be one of the best seasons of my life. 🙂