I Am So Not There Yet…

This post has been rumbling around in my head since Sunday morning, just like the last one…

I found myself in a conversation that wasn’t heated but then got heated but then turned down to a low simmer, with boiling being just about 5 more good minutes away… To my shock and dismay, I somehow began to be candid about my feelings. My wants, my needs, my pain, my weariness, all that. I found myself giving VOICE to all that and just straight up asking to be wanted more than… whatever are the other options at this point.

In short, I felt like I was begging. Begging to be loved, begging to be seen as valuable and worth the risk of really making an effort for me – for us.

“I really am worth the risk of you choosing me…”

Felt like begging to me. :/

Now. I know that most people, especially women, don’t have much issue w/such emotional freedom. I, however, have always had issue with it. What I see as a positive trait in others, I view as a weakness in myself.  Which is why I lay in bed on Sunday morning wrestling with the whole conversation, but the part in particular where I gave my heart away. I wrestled with the arrogance of the man sitting to the left of me. I wrestled with the lack of thoughtfulness born of said arrogance in said man. I wrestled with the fact that I’m weary to the bone of working so hard to live up to the biblical standard set before me and to be what said man needs only to leave the few *real* conversations we have right now feeling like somebody pummeled me until they got tired and I cried ‘uncle’. I wrestled with all that. But what I really really wrestled with is the giving of my heart in those moments of absolute emotional truth. Because if ever there was a blueprint given to create absolute mayhem in my world, I handed over the key that early morning.

I obviously am not a fan. But at the point of all my wrestling, my mouth had already taken leave of my brain and given voice to the things I’ve held dear and private. So. My lack of fan-ness is just too bad. Which is exactly what led to me asking the Lord to help me understand the wisdom of the words that escaped the anonymity of my internal safe…

And then He showed me something of Himself… The truths that I spoke that night are truths that He spoke to me as well – in some way, shape or form – when He was asking me to choose Him.Words too intimate to recount here, thoughts more private than I want to share on-line, but words that I knew God has spoken to me as He taught me to love Him beyond my own arrogance, my own pride, and my own shame…

I called it begging, but God calls it an invitation. ‘Invite him. Give what you have. Invite him to make it right.’

That Sunday morning as I lay in bed begging God not to let him take all that information and truth and further wound my already tender heart, I realized that as God wooed me, that if He were human, the risk He took would have been tremendous – because He uttered those same words to me. ‘I love you, I want you, I need you, I choose you no matter what you do. You’re it for me. My love, my heart, my passion. Choose me. Love me.’ 

And He didn’t call it begging. He called it an invitation…

The level of humility it requires to invite someone to love you, knowing all the while that they really dont even get it yet what it means to choose to accept your invitation is overwhelming. To offer to someone (me) your heart. To say to someone (me) that you are worth the risk of doing the thing that they (I) most want but are (am) so afraid of… How much more humble can you be? To make the offer and risk rejection in the end, simply beause you know they need to know they’re welcome into the intimacy of whole, right relationship with you. If God were human, it would be probably the most vulnerable act He could ever make toward us, save the sacrifice of His only begotten.

Is this how Jesus felt as he invited people to believe him, to trust him, to get to know him for real? Is this how he felt when people didn’t accept what he was offering, at the cost of himself?

Humility. Yet another side of God’s character. He doesn’t force us, but He invites by a clear expression of His love and His desire that we choose Him. He beseeches us, even. He longs for us. He is jealous for us to love Him. And He goes after us relentlessly, with that in mind.

Love is not proud. Which would then mean that, by default, it IS humble.

And the very fact that I see inviting Mister to fully partake in whole, right relationship with me as begging clearly indicates that I am still too proud to consider myself as having overcome that sin in my own spirit; I still have much to learn about loving on God’s terms. I still have much to learn about His heart for His creation and the lenghts He will traverse to give us His very best…

So convicting. So frustrating. So painfully obvious that I have a loooong way to go. So humbling to know that He kept on asking me, kept on inviting me even during the season of my life where I declined at every turn to accept His Love and find my way to the center of intimacy with Him.

He calls it love.

And I call it begging.

What does that say about my view of myself in all this? What does that say about my character, my nature, my willingness to live life on terms other than my own? What does this say about who I am, that it takes all this for me to understand how God loves me and the level of grace He gives to me – and that even understanding all that, I STILL see it as a risk better not taken than taken and poorly received?

It reminds me that I am amazingly, extremely human. And it convicts me to keep on doing what I dont want to do in order that God can do what He desires to do – in and for both me AND Mister.

I am coming to believe that He was right when He said that we both need this; I look at Mister and he right now is a mirror of me at my worst. The arrogance, the pride, the hardheartedness and the selfishness. He and I. We are two peas in a pod. I just chose to accept the grace of Love sooner than him…

Humility. God’s way better at it than I am…

This entry was posted in Learning Sessions, My Heart's Reflection, My Personal Journey. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to I Am So Not There Yet…

  1. terry@breathinggrace says:

    Beautiful, vulnerable post. I don’t know what more I can say than that.

    • Ro says:

      Thanks, Terry… This ride is something way more than I could ever have imagined… *sheesh* I can’t say it’s a fun one, but it’s definitely a priceless journey…

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