It’s been a big thing to me lately. A huge thing in fact.
In my own estimation, until this morning, I thought I had done that… But I have not. At least not completely.
The Lord showed me something this morning just before I woke up, and it left me feeling some kinda way. I couldn’t shake it and I knew that it was too important to ignore or put it aside and think that I’d figure it out later on, but the clarity just wasn’t coming easily.
Then a question that has actually been in my head as I’ve debated on how much I agree – or not – with the statement that it takes two for things to come undone in a relationship of any sort start rumbling thru my mind really loudly: Lord what is my responsibility in all this? I mean… if the statement that it takes two is a true one, then obviously I’m missing something. And between that statement and what He showed me before I got up this morning, the question begs asking – because that means that I need to do some heart-searching and ownership taking along the way as well…
So I asked.
And then He gave me clarity on my dream.
And then I was convicted.
My responsibility is to be available and I have failed. Physically I show up. Emotionally and mentally, I’ve been more absent than present.
This was such a hard truth to face… “You hurt because you feel neglected, you feel that he doesn’t try. You want him to try. You have asked for so long now why he doesn’t step up. But you have not considered that you haven’t given him the tools to do what you ask. He can’t try if you don’t show him how to open the door. He wants to. He just doesn’t know how. Show him how. He tries to break through your walls but you expect him to do it with his hands. Equip him. Show him the door. Be a door to him, Tirzah.Beloved. Be a door and not a wall.”
*rolling my eyes* Really, God? 😦 (not really rolling my eyes, just … feelin some kinda way – which really means I’m being convicted. ha!) 🙂
And then as I’m considering this, thinking of all the ways the Lord has led me to pray and a little frustrated because it seems that I’m praying empty words – even though I know that the prayer request, the desire is the Lord’s word to me – as I’m considering all that, what comes to me is this: maybe I need to pray differently for what you’ve told me will come to pass.
The biggest greatest prayer I’ve had has been intimacy and total freedom between us – on every level. That is the request that leaped to mind this morning as I was getting dressed. And what I thought as my mind went there was, maybe I’m only praying for the symptoms that lead to lack of intimacy between us. Maybe I need to figure out how to pray for the root of it and not the symptoms that seem to block it from growing like we both so long for…
And immediately God confirmed that. “That’s it. You have been looking to see Me treat the symptoms, instead of asking Me to heal the diseased root in his spirit. Ask Me to show you the root, then you will know how to pray.”
Ok… *nervous because I’m already feeling the weight of having been so unfair in my expecations based on what He showed me in my dream early this morning*… but… ok. This ball has started rollin’ now, so I may as well bite.
‘Ok Lord. What’s the root? How should I be praying?’
I was so astonished by the answer He gave to me…
“The root is the same for you both: fear. Fear of failure. He is infinitely more afraid of failing than you; he’d rather not try than try and be rejected. Your faith intimidates him not because he doesn’t want it for himself, but because he doesn’t believe he can live it out like you. He knows that it isn’t easy for you, but he sees you as stronger than himself and he doesn’t want to look foolish or be made ashamed only to ultimately fail in the end. You are his example. That is why it is so important that you respond to the conviction to teach him how to enter your heart. He will only do it if he believes he can do it successfully. Pray that I uproot fear and replace it with trust. It is not understanding that breeds change. It is the courage to ACT on the understanding that invites transformation. Pray that he be courageous enough to act on what he knows is true.”
I was absolutely blown away. My heart has been hard toward him for the same reason his has been hard toward me. We’re both scared to death that we are not good enough to do this… why didn’t I realize this before? I mean, he and I, in a whole lotta ways we are two peas in a pod. Both proud, but not out of random non-sense, proud because we don’t want to fail, we don’t want to give anybody reason to look at us in a negative light – to include eachother. Yeah. It sounds ridiculous now. I know it does. But it’s probably the most honest assessment I’ve made of us as a couple in a long time. The issue is not love or lack thereof. It’s fear. If we can get past that, this will be an awful lot easier to get past altogether. 😐
And then a most curious thing began to happen. In all this realizing and revealing my heart is being softened toward him. I found myself this morning thinking that I need to give the man a break and a chance and stop being so aloof. I can’t expect him to learn to trust me freely and fully if I’m unwilling to do the same. I’ve got to be willing to give as much as I expect to get.
It really does take two – for it to fall apart AND for it to be put back together again.
It’s time for ME to step up to the plate and own my part in things being where they are. I didn’t make the specific choices that led to this challenging year, but I maybe if I had been more willing to invite him then, he wouldn’t have been so susceptible to the choices he did make ultimately… We failed together and we be made whole together.
And when I consider it, it’s really the only way, lest we end up back here in another 4 or 5 years…
Thank you Father, for the full conviction of the Holy Spirit. Remove the fear in our spirits and replace it with confidence in You and… whatever else we need to get past ourselves and love eachother well. In Jesus’ Name. Amen.