that God is speaking the same things to us both?
me: Lord I dunno about that one… I dont even feel that right now. I mean… I’m not mad no more. I dont hate him. But… I’m over it. *blank look*
‘I don’t want you to pretend. I only ask that you submit. Do as I instruct. Invite him. Be honest. Let him see. He won’t hurt you again.’
me: well… ok… (because He told me a few weeks ago that I’ve come to far to go back or to walk away. He told me that I’m so far in this thing at this point that seeing it through is my only option. I believe my mama would tell me I can do it easy or hard, but I’m doin it God’s way no matter. so… ) Ok. God. I’ll try…
Fast forward to the past few weeks. NYE – beauty. The following week, great til we got to Thursday and Friday. Our annual first of the year face-off… And it was a mess. A. HOT. MESS. BUT it didn’t linger. It ended the same night it began. (Only God, because I acted far worse than he did.) Saturday rolled around and well… ya know… once again… but HE did what I usually do; he THOUGHT instead of flyin off at the mouth… And, as my sweet little niece says, the Holy Spirit ‘put it to me’… I apologized and decided to act like I had some sense.
Then comes Monday this week.
God must have whispered in his ear… ‘Invite her.’
And bro must have listened.
‘Don’t resist him. Welcome his greeting.’
me: looking dumb. ha! ok, God *raised eyebrow*
He comes in, he walks around. He talks a little bit… no big deal…
Then he greets me… lemme just say: not bad. *ahem*
I guess he figured it didn’t go so bad the first time, so while we were talking, searching on-line for something, he comes up behind my seat and puts his hand on my back. Leans down all extra close. Close enough for me to rest my head in the crook of his neck.
And because Im me, I’m totally thinking too hard. ‘Does he intend me to snuggle up to him or what? Do I even wanna do all that? Rosheeda stop being difficult. You know you want to.’ So ever so timidly, I give in and go with my want rather than my rational thinking…
His response was not to move away. Which is what I expected. Instead, he got CLOSER. As if that were even possible. I guess this was his way of giving me a chance to make a move. I didn’t. But he did.
More talking, more goofin around. Finally he just tells me to stand up and come here.
By this time I just dont even know what’s goin down…
He pulls me as close as he can, totally removing distance between us. He kisses me and then, for just a split second, he stops. He doesn’t pull away, doesn’t step back or move. He just stops. And he waits.
In that moment, this is what filterd through my heart: ‘I won’t force you. I won’t rush you. But I’m not leaving you this time, not on any level. I’ll wait. I need you to want me. So. I’ll wait.’
And he did.
It was the single most powerful thing he could’ve done to soften my heart. I surrendered. And he tried to drown me in his heart.
I’m blushing as I type, but I want to remember this moment specifically. It is the first time in I dont know how long that I can recall him having the courage to show me that much of himself at the risk of me rejecting it.
In that moment I knew that I could trust him. I knew that he wouldn’t risk losing what he’s been allowed to discover. In that moment, he started winning my heart over again…
In that moment it all fell into place.
I have no idea how this looks practically. But spiritually, it looks like truth. It finally just feels… right…
Pride is fading and recognition is dawning.
*sigh* An invitation is a good thing. A very very good thing…