I Just Wanna Fail This Test… but not really…

” I will not let you fail this test.”

” I will not let you fail this test.”

” I will not let you fail this test.”

” It breaks My heart that you no longer believe in My love for you. I will not let you fail this test.”

I sat last Sunday after the house was quiet, in a chair with my headphones and I just tried to listen. I listened and I cried. I cried because I was so without words. I cried because I so miss the intimacy that has developed between me and God the last few years. I cried because for the life of me, the moments are great, the friendship is sweet but the brokennes still overwhelms me – and I dont know how to fight back anymore. I cried because my heart is so far from where it should be, on the heels of all that has happened and in the face of all that Im seeing. I cried because I’m still not able to see this God’s way yet. I cried because I am still incredibly incredibly hurt by all that has happened and by how much has NOT changed yet. I cried. As I sat in the chair in the living room with everything quiet and begged God to just let me be free, I cried. Because in spite of what I know to be the consequence for us both if God gives that to me, it’s all I want at the end of the day. The moments do not sustain and the confidence to move in tandem and full immediate obedience has somehow been lost. I cried because he’s working so hard to do what I ask now and that’s just not enough. Because when I WANTED this effort, he refused. Now he’s holding on for dear life and the only way I can really get there is God’s grace in the moment to let me not feel what is my emotional reality.

And in between my tears God spoke. And as He spoke something in my spirit finally opened. Something in me gave way so that I could honestly articulate the thing that have been buried inside… Since that night, I’ve been able to connect spiritually in a way I lost months ago. Since that day I’ve been able to admit some things that make me not quite proud of myself.

I see myself clearly failing this test. Because really. I was over it before this set of foolishness showed up. This showing up complete killed it for me. And frankly I’m just not up for sifting through all the emotions and changes this has brought with it. I’d rather just fail this one.

Yeah. I know it’s not politically correct or biblically correct. But it’s honest. Real real honest.

And it’s not that I dont love him. Because I do. It’s that I’m totally uneasy with all the ways I have come to question my value in all this. I’m totally uncomfortable with how shaky my confidence is with him now. I’m totally exhausted from the work of extending grace and trying to hold it together. I’m totally not good with the effect this has had on my spiritual life. Everything that I’ve sacrificed so much to establish personally in my character and conduct, the relationship I have with the Lord included, has been jeopardized and while God keeps saying to me that we are on solid foundation now I find that hard to believe when I live with myself everyday and know how I feel when it’s just me and my heart and the truth. At the end of the day, if all that is gonna be thrown away, I’d rather do it on my own terms than have it done for me because of the calamity that’s fallen in my lap as a result of other people’s failure.

I dont know who I will be when this is done.

And that bothers me. A lot.

Which I think is why I just want to give in to failing right now. Because I’m afraid that it’s inevitable in the long run anyway.

But the Lord keeps speaking to my spirit: ‘I will not let you fail this test.’ It is, in fact, one of the few things that has taken root in my spirit since that nights conversation. And it’s driving me to challenge myself to sit with Him and to listen; to try and pray; to really be intentional about my behavior and not stuffing my feelings away.

Because even though I say I want to fail, what I really want – all i really want – is exactly what I’ve wanted in the start from all this: to be able to take a deep breath and let it out knowing that my world wont crash down around me because I have the audacity to live a life passionate for what’s right and good and acceptable and to expect the same thing of the person I love the most in the world. I just want that feeling of free-falling with him to be safe again…

Talking to God this past week has shown me clearly that I’m not quite there yet…

not even almost…

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