Hi. My name is Rosheeda and I used to blog on a consistent, if not regular, basis.
Oh really? We’ve met? You DO remember me! Good. Then I won’t feel like I’m talking to a room full of strangers or somethin…
It has been so long since I’ve even had the desire to type but right now today I think i just need to get the stuff in my head out so that I have some available head-space and enough sanity to hear from the Lord during this week of solitude (hopefully).
Last post. So honest. But gratefully i’m not still there. I don’t want to fail. But I do want to rest. I have come to realize that I have seriously discounted the emotional process this would be for us both. He feels how he feels. I feel how I feel and rarely these days are they compatible. We’re holdin’ on tight but letting go… it’s still a great option in my mind. This has brought out the worst in us both and I just don’t know how to put that ‘girl’ in me back under lock & key. She comes in, kicks off shoes, and puts her feet up on a regular basis – totally unexpectedly. She’s gotten better about asking me before she shows up, but you know. Sometimes. Well. You know.
And in the midst of all the thinking and talking and stuff – comes another step backwards financially. It’s just one of those seasons I guess where the rain is just never-ending… Last year was a freakin’ tsunami. This year. It’s just a continuous rain – sometimes with heavy downpours, but mostly just irritating as all get-out at the foolishness I seem to be witnessing all around me.
And it’s a whole buncha revisiting of things I thought I had finally been allowed to leave last year. Apparently not. *sigh*
I think that what I’m having right now is a crisis of faith. So much stuff that’s just wrong and that has been wrong for so long I just don’t see how it can be made right. So many areas where God has said trust Him and called me to stand alone and all that seems to be happening is a lot of BACKWARD motion. One area in particular where I was so grateful that at least one something might be ok… not only was it NOT ok, it is proving to be more challenging in some ways now than it was before. It’s like God is just letting it all be impossible so He can ride in and save the day. And while to some that might be romantic and appealing, it just flat pisses me off. Because really. Haven’t we been kickin’ it strong right here in this SAME spot for a good long time. You make what are already insurmountable odds even MORE impossible? Really? Seriously? Not even a fan of that one.
Not even placated.
Not one little bit.
Not even trynna hear it.
One thing about me that has become truth is that I dont typically act w/out direction from the Holy Spirit, simply because the way my life seems to be moving is so contrary to the norm. Doing what most folx would do in my position is almost always the exact opposite of what God asks of me. So. With that in mind, I have asked on a very regular basis how to handle the foolishness and drama that seems to keep finding its way back to my lap no matter how many times I invite it to kick rocks. And FINALLY, I get an instruction that a)makes plenty of sense to me and b)is what I wanted to do in the first blasted place.
NOT SO MUCH.
Because now, more than a year later, although I’m not homicidal I’m certainly not calm enough to endure the things that have started graciously. There can be no more failure in either of the two areas of my life that seem to be regressing. I’m not willing and even if I were, I don’t have the stomach for another round of madness. I’m done with being gracious and I’m even more done being gentle. Somebody in all this needs to grow up and get some …. besides me. I’m just saying…
I asked the Lord this morning how I’m supposed to do this and not just wash my hands… His answer: Resist your flesh just as you have in every other area of your life.
REALLY GOD? That’s the answer to this thing that is still a most unfortunate reality for me 15 months AFTER it began? THAT is the answer? And because everybody but me seems to be getting a pass to act a donkey, I’m still gonna take blows for standing my ground and requiring some act-right. And the answer is ‘resist your flesh’. SO DONE.
Florida is not far enough ladies and gentlemen. Not far enough at all. Nor is 5 days long enough. An extended stay at a much farther destination for a much longer time w/a lot fewer distractions and no communication over this way until some maturity has take root somewhere in that body is much more palatable to me. And probably a lot more comfortable for him..
So tired of everything being in such disarray. So tired of beautiful stretches that are completely overshadowed by a very stark reality afterwards. And even more tired of feeling abandoned and alone. Because really. even the people who love me the most don’t understand this.
If i hear one more time ‘you’re better than me’ I think i’ll pull my hair out. Because the fact is that I am NOT better. I’m only doing my best to stay on God’s good side. I’m very human, very flawed, and as full of vinegar right now as anybody else would be if the roles were reversed. I’m sticking this thing out only because i’ve invested too much to risk God’s anger now.
I know this won’t last always but it would nice for it to end sooner rather than later. Walking into year six of calamity was just not something I wanted to do and experiencing another anniversary of ‘The Day My Life Became An Example’ is not on my agenda for next April. Not at all.
Here’s to hoping that 5 days, some Florida sunshine and (prayerfully) a lot of wise counsel from this moment we will have some sort of forward motion on both sides of this fence.
Otherwise it might be another couple of months before I bother to talk to God or anybody else….
hey. if i do nothing else, i keep it real…