So. As I’m sitting today talking with a friend, she says some things that trigger me to do some reading and some thinking.
That led to some praying.
Then THAT led to some remembering.
I had this dream a couple nights ago that I didn’t really get and in all honesty, wasn’t sure I wanted to get it… But I couldn’t quite forget it. So in my praying, I asked the Lord to help me understand it. I was getting it… but … i wasnt really ‘getting’ it…
What it all boils down to is this: H is mad at his mom and because he cant take it out on her, he’s giving it to me to a very real degree.
Threw me for a loop at first until God explained…
His mom died in 2000, just a few months after we met actually, and he has yet to really recover from it (and by recover, I mean be able to handle it w/out it throwing him into a tail spin. Won’t even talk to me about her.)
One of his biggest flaws is his selfishness WITH ME. Because he’s not selfish w/most others. He will give his last if you need it and he will step up in a minute for people he thinks need his help. The latter part I love. But that fact that that has not translated to our relationship? I’m not a fan. And because I’m a giver, I hate to be taken for granted.
I know these two scenarios seem totally unrelated, but just stick with me. I thought it was absurd too…
So. In this dream. It’s just us and what God showed me that was easy for me to understand is that H looks to me to be nurtured and cared for like a child would look for from his mother. He then showed me how H perceives me – totally a lot better than I perceive me. He then shows me a pedestal and I hear H saying ‘I’m mad at momma’. I’m looking at this pedestal wondering a) where it came from, b) WHY it’s in the middle of our bed and c) if it’s me or his mom he’s trynna put up on it.
Finally today the Lord showed me that it’s me and his mom both that he’s putting on a pedestal. She was the only person who in his mind, never failed him and never gave up on him no matter what he did. She could do no wrong. But then she left him. Alone. To fend for himself. He’s mad at her for leaving him because he wasn’t ready yet. He’s been mad for 11 years. Which, I guess, was easy to suppress because although he had been in relationships before me, he never loved those women.
Then I come along and no matter how hard he works to keep distance between us, he can’t do it. He loves me. Has from the start; I knew it before he ever said it.
And apparently, what drives that love is the same thing that made his heart his mama so fierce. I know his truth. I know his past. I know his bad choices. I know the man he was and I know the man he wants to be and is meant to be. And I love him in spite of all his stuff. Always have. No matter whatever else has happened, I’ve always loved him, always had his back, always been his cheerleader. Like his mom. Always been on his side – even when we both know he’s wrong.
He expects that just like his mom was his superwoman, I’m supposed to be too. He expects that just like he could take her love and never feel like she looked for anything in return, he can be that way with me too. He expects me to fill that place in his heart and when- in his mind – I fall off that pedestal, it frightens him. It makes him feel like I’ll ultimately hurt him too.
In the Lord’s words, when I don’t do what he needs or wants he feels abandoned and alone – and that set of emotions is one that he associates w/his mother’s death.
Which brings us to the selfishness that so sets me off. He is selfish specifically withe me because he feels like he was cheated when the Lord took his mama. So since he can’t get that unconditional do anything for him w/no strings attached love from her, I’m the only other logical source… I’ll be honest. In some ways I totally get that. We all want to be loved that way. We all want that sense of safety and security. And we don’t want to feel like it’s an imposition on the person we want it from.
The man is afraid. He’s afraid that he’s finally found that one thing that will make me abandon him and leave him alone. Afraid that he has finally managed to lose the one other woman who’s ever been so completely on his side. He has his aunt. His has his sister. But they’re not me; they’re not his rest.
And it also explains his rebellion spiritually. He’s mad at God. Because He took his mama. He took his favorite girl before he felt ready to let her go. Why ever would he submit when he’s still so angry?
Finally. I get it. He’s not just a bonehead. I doubt that he even really understands why he does a lot of what he does. He’s just a scared 21 year old boy who never had the chance to show his mama he finally got it right and who thinks he’s so broken inside that he can’t take another break like that one.
Out of all I DON’T understand about him, that last few words I typed, I understand that. I understand that pain and that fear and that need to protect himself and that craving to just be able to rest because it’s too much it’s too hard and it hurts too bad.
He doesn’t want to hurt me. He just feels better about pushing me away than he does about me leaving him because I can’t love him past his failure and my pain.
This I get. Because I did him the same way early on, for the same reason – I didn’t think he could love me if he REALLY knew me. I get it.
And I totally get being mad at God because HELLO?! Can I ever get a break?!
This is the first time in a long time I can look at his behavior and not just wanna do something evil to him. I finally feel a REAL sense of compassion. And I finally have an idea of how to pray and how to love him in the middle of this mess.
Thank you Lord. Your grace to me is my grace to him. I don’t want to fail him and I don’t want him to fail. Help me to be what he needs, even while You teach him to be the same for me.