Rarely do I have no words, but I have found myself in that place lately where words are few.
So much is happening internally. So much is being uncovered. And so much is beginning to be dealt with. The last serious post I did when I was hoping that Florida did some good… Well… what it did was took H to the end of himself and this mes… And I guess in some way that’s great… Recovery took a minute… and then we had last week… Didn’t push him over the edge. Pushed me. Pushed me to a place where I finally uttered the words, ‘God I’m done. I forfeit. Every promise, everything tied to this obedience,I give it back. You can have it. Just let me be done.’
In the moments immediately following my utter doneness, I quite literally decided I was gonna run away from home. Find a job far away, say not a word and just move on and build a whole brand new life… H was just gonna look up one day and i was gonna be somewhere on the east coast creating something that resembled a life I want.
As I made all these declarations God said not a word. But He did give me the grace of good sense. At least enough to text a really close friend and share with her that I need some prayer. She musta prayed til she was blue in the face because although I was still done by the morning, I was able to talk with the Lord and listen. Then she called me and gave me some more love. *ahem* Made me giggle, held me accountable and said I’ll be praying call me if you need me.
And one more time, she musta been a prayin’ sister. Because sitting w/headphones that evening I got some real direction and the gumption from somewhere to fight back – and to ask for some help. Beause really. I need it. A sista is worn out from trying to do this w/as little outside influence as possible.
I have not been disappointed. Every sister that I’ve asked to help me finish this race has risen to the occasion and taken me and H and this whole situation to the Lord. Everyone has called, texted, or emailed and said ‘I’m praying. How are you. What can I do?’. Every. Last. One. And it feels great. It feels beautiful to share this burden. Beautiful to know that when I cannot do it alone, I have that circle who loves me enough to go to bat for me and mine. It is absolutely beautiful that God loves me so much that He saw fit to connect me to women I didn’t even know I’d need well before the need ever surfaced.
Things that the Lord has told me that a) made me mad and b) seemed impossible, if not insane, finally became crystal clear and the desire and need to immerse myself in Him, to just abandon logic reason and all the other things that have kept me from fully committing to finishing this race (in my heart anyway) has taken center stage.
It’s been nice. And it’s been a long time comin’.
I was so amused. H and I haven’t talked since our conversation last week. I got over myself sometime Friday evening and extended an olive branch. He wasn’t quite ready to accept it yet so I let it ride. Today, on a whim, I thought I’d try again. This time he grabbed on, but he’s tryin’ so hard to be Mr. Tough Guy… For the first time in forever, instead of sending me to God talkin’ about what a jack-leg he is and how foolish it is that he’s mad and all other manner of stuff, it actually made me laugh out loud. It would seem that I’m managing to get my sense of humor back 🙂 And that made me say ‘thank you Lord that I can laugh about it. Please let him find the humor in it and let us move on from it.’
Those women have been prayin’ indeed. And I have too. Freely. With boldness and confidence and determination to finish as well as I started in this thing. The Lord told me long ago that the evil one did not come to play to lose but that if I’d obey Him, if I’d heed His Voice and follow His direction, I would be victorious in battle. In that moment last week, my spirit and my flesh went head-to-head. My flesh said, be done, enough is enough. My spirit said you are not finished. You have to finish. My spirit is winning… and I’m glad about it.
Failing isn’t my style. Quitting even less so.
I do not plan to lose just because the opposition is trynna bully me. It’s just not gonna go down like that. God is always victorious. He’s mighty in battle. And that has to be enough. Because at the end of the day, it’s all on Him anyway. My only job is obedience. All else rests w/God.
I’m really trynna hold on to that and get finished w/the race already…
Pray for a sista will ya?