April will be the seventh anniversary of my season of refining.
This fire has been hot and the last two years have felt like hell on earth.
Now that the flame is dying and the phoenix is rising from the ash, I thought I’d take some time to really reflect and make note of some things about me that I didn’t know or wasn’t sure I was really ok with…
I am strong and resilient. I never considered how true those things were until this journey. I have stood under pain I would’ve never imagined before in my life. I have lost every natural thing and gained so much spiritually and the strength that I didn’t believe I had has risen up and is showing itself in every area of my life. I love hard, I work hard, and I fight hard for what matters to me. Six months ago, I wondered if I would ever recover from the aftermath of this past two years. I am recovering and it is sweet. I’m so much more than I gave myself credit for …
My God is faithful and just to fulfill His promises. I believed it for other people. I did not believe it for me. I’m watching Him do it now and I repent daily for my unbelief. He is exactly who He told me He would be to me.
I am not ambitious, nor am I particularly driven – at least not in the ways of the world. However, I AM passionate about the things I value. I am tenacious and I am authentic. My heart gives itself fully to the things it holds dear. I will never be that woman who strives for earthly success; it just doesn’t matter that much to me. But I will ALWAYS be that woman who fights for what gives life -because it’s who I was made to be and what I was made to do.
I have a deep capacity to love and a deeper need to give myself over to that capacity. I have always held back, not wanting to give too much or risk too much. but in the last six weeks or so, I find myself not wanting to hide anymore from a heart that beats for freedom. Instead, I seem to be opening up wide and giving in to myself in an intensely intimate, personally liberating way. And it’s not bad. It’s being honored instead of tampered with. It’s breeding growth and newness. It’s what I always hoped love would be and never dreamed I’d have the privilege of experiencing.
My truth is beautiful just as it is. It isn’t too much. It won’t distance people from me. Those who are meant to be present will be. Those who aren’t won’t. And that’s alright with me.
God is enough. Everything. All in all. And I’m not satisfied with the little I’ve learned in this season. I want more of Him. As much of Him as He cares to give. Even though it just might cost everything all over again someday. This time of struggle has been worth every ounce of God that I’ve been given.
It’s all been worth it. I haven’t even seen all the promises manifest yet. But what I’m seeing now, even that little bit… it’s all been worth it. I have questioned for so long whether it was wise to choose the path I chose. I have wondered the same everybody in my life has verbalized: Am I really following God or has this just been some misguided attempt at a leap of faith and martyrdom? Turns out, I was right! 🙂 The leap of faith was the right choice. A martyr I am not. A bond-servant I most definitely am – and by grace, will continue to be.
It’s been so long in coming. So long that I dont even quite believe it’s real yet. But it’s so worth it to see all that I’m seeing, so beautiful to have a smile again, to be able to find joy in small things, to share my heart w/my man as my bff – like it’s meant to be. So incredibly amazing to look at myself and see a new woman emerge – beautiful, strong, confident and whole. No work left undone. No sacrifice left incomplete. No loyalty dishonored. And no faith put to shame.
My God is a good God. His love for me is overwhelming and the beauty from this pile of ash is proving to be breathtaking.
Thank you Lord for new life and freedom. I love you and I’m sorry I doubted Your intentions toward me. With my life. Rosheeda