“participate in your life”

I’ve really been thinking about this. It’s a direction God gave me a few months ago now and I find myself being reminded of it every time I have an opportunity to do something and start to decline the invitation or find a reason not to.

I’d love to say I wonder why He’d give me such a direction, but in my heart I know. I’m a loner by nature. I trust myself in a way that I’ve never trusted most others and I really am like a fish outta water these days. My social circle has changed drastically – the friends I had when this journey began are not there in the same capacity anymore. The ones I have now are so… new. We’re still learning and still building trusts and such between ourselves. And the one person I’ve longed to be with and enjoy… well… it’s happening 🙂 …but i’m still just a little bit gunshy…

God gave me the direction because He knew that if He didn’t, I’d do what’s comfy: enjoy my own company, see a friend or two on occasion and build a new intimacy w/Honey very haltingly…

so interesting how well He knows me…things like ‘go ahead and enjoy yourself’; ‘don’t resist your heart…. ‘ … you’d think this would be a no-brainer when u consider the last few years. I should be chompin at the bit to have some fun, but it’s only reinforced my natural bent for privacy and reticence about my personal life…

I’ve learned so much in this season… one of the  most amazing things seems to be that for every freedom I’ve gained, I’ve also discovered a new place in me that needs work. My dependence on God is startling. And how much absolute humanness exists in me is even more startling…

Not even sure where this post is (or was) headed.. guess i just needed to get it outta my head.

Love ya’ll


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