I have wanted to post for so long, and my head is so full of a LOT of stuff… but it seems that blogging has just gotten lost in the busy-ness of life these last few months. So much is happening, so much is changing. So much good stuff and I just needed time to adapt and to savor. But now I think I need to get the words outta my head; I need my outlet back 🙂
This is the end of the year and more than usual, I’m in a very reflective place. I constantly find myself thinking of just how things have moved from having me on the edge of my sanity to this place of almost impatient anticipation of what’s coming next. I find myself recalling all those moments when God spoke to me in the dark and the valley as I watch the mountain top come into focus more and more. I find myself laughing and being silly and relaxing – feeling more like the ‘me’ I’ve missed so much…
I’m really amazed at how strong I’ve become. I’m stunned at how confident and comfortable and free. I’m totally blown away by how faithful God has been to me and how absolutely believable He’s continuously proving to be in my life.
It’s been a good year.
Then there is the reflection on the parts that haven’t been so great… I think of how deeply my faith was shaken. I think of how much my relationships have changed and how many have been a casualty of this season of life – even recently. I think of how many fears I’ve had to confront (and am still confronting in some ways). And I wonder why this road has been God’s choice for me…
And again. I’m really amazed at how much I’ve been stretched and how resilient my spirit has been. I’m appreciative of the truth that God has revealed about the people in my life and grateful for the grace to face down the fears that have for so long wanted to hold me hostage to a life that made better sense but that wasn’t what God has for me.
It’s been a good year.
There hasn’t been a pain that I’ve endured that was without purpose. There hasn’t been a breaking that has rested on or in my life that hasn’t produced ripe fruit. There hasn’t been a tear that’s been shed that hasn’t been seen by the Lord and cherished. For all the relationships that have shifted and fully fallen away this year, the ones I value the most have remained intact and have become stronger than I would’ve ever believed at this time last year.
My heart has been broken in so many ways, so many times this year. My heart for God has been so brutally attacked and my ability to keep going forward was almost destroyed. His grace has had to be given daily; I have had to hold on tight with both hands just to wake up and put one foot in front of the other most days. Even the smallest of His mercies has been great to me. Escape was my heart’s desire.
I remember all that, then I remember how the most important word was ‘almost’. I was ALMOST overcome. But then I wasn’t. I ALMOST turned away from God. But then I didn’t. I did let go, but He held on to me extra tight. I ALMOST drowned in the anguish. But then it started to hurt a little bit less and I’ve been learning how to swim.
There have been a lot of ‘almosts’ for me this year. But every one of ’em was met with a ‘BUT GOD’…
It has been a good year.
I still have my days when I wonder how worth it it’ll all be in the end. But when I consider how faithful He’s been so far, it gives me courage to keep going and boldness to dig in and move forward until I can fully believe again.
This has been a good year. Because this is the year I wrestled with the Angel and found victory in my life.
This has been a really good year. =)