Friendship

That’s one of those words that I don’t take lightly; a title I don’t bestow easily or often. I am that person that, when she calls you friend, you know you are cherished and special and important to my daily life…

One of the things I’ve really had to come to grips with in my decision to weather the storm and give my best and all to my relationship w/Mister is that my friendships wouldn’t be left untouched. That’s actually probably been the oddest part of this season. I had already begun to feel like I was being isolated from the women I had been closest to for reasons other than H, and just when I thought that maybe we were building bridges and finding our way back to the friendships we’d held so tightly to, they all seemed to start showing themselves right and left…

So many variations of the same thing: a lack of understanding for God’s work in my life, a lot of criticism and judgement, and not enough regard for the fact that – whether or not they agreed – what I needed was for them to have my back and be on my team.

That need obviously went unmet.

But there have been that few (very few), who – even when they’ve questioned this season – have stood by me and had my back no matter what. They have cried with me and prayed with me and been mad with me (and for me). They have had my back. No matter what. They’ve been the friends and accountability and encouragement and shoulder that I needed.

Where’s all this comin from, right?

Well. One that I thought was one of those few has shown me something different. It didn’t make me angry, her defecting. But it DID offend me. Because she’s been there since the start. I’ve shared truth and heart with her that I haven’t shared w/anyone else. I gave her a significant level of trust – which is monumental seeing as how this past few years has driven me to be even MORE private than I already was. What I thought was a heart for me seems to have shifted into the heart and carelessness of a critic and a judge. In the moment that she proved herself to be what I hoped she wouldn’t become for me in this journey, THAT is the moment I most needed to be reminded of truth. Not hit in the face with ill-considered advise and words of defeat and bondage…

I’m not even sure where I’m headed with this; maybe I’m just still wrapping my head around these relationships shifting from almost daily parts of the fabric of my life into relationships where my love for them is unchanged but my ability to share life with them is stripped, at least for now.

I don’t know that we’ll ever be the friends that we were; I DO know that my priorities now lie elsewhere. When my life was more like their lives the bond was easy, natural. But life is different now. My perspective on faith, friends, work, family, intimacy, finance, decision-making, life in general is just not the same.  And that shift in ME is the reason there had to be a shift in US…

I knew that my relationship w/Mister would play a part in those relationship dynamics changing and I wasn’t sure how’d I’d feel about that – if I’d be angry @ him again, if I’d resent that there was another part of my life that became a casualty to the bad choices, whether it would make me bitter toward them or leary of new relationships. I just wasn’t sure. But as things are unfolding, the sweetest of things has rested on me: I’m none of those things I was afraid I’d be. I am at peace with my choices and sure enough of my steps to keep going forward. I’m willing to let go of the things that could (would) be a detriment to my future and to put my heart and my trust where it belongs for now: God first, Mister second.

Stripping away the old has pressed me to connect and confide differently in Mister. Needing a confidante and not having the ones I’ve always relied on has left me with one option: give him my heart. And the most beautiful thing ever is emerging. We’re the friends I’ve been praying for us to be. Better than before.

I guess I’m just realizing that it’s time to make the final choice in my heart to let go and move forward, knowing that the friendships we shared were right at the time and trusting that whatever we will have in the future will come back around if and when we need it most…

In all honesty, I want to cling. I want to reach back and grab them and bring them into this new life with me. But I know that I can’t. I know that it would sabotage my growth and my ability to move beyond the difficulties that have plagued my personal life. It would poison my ability to forget and to embrace the transformation of my beloved. Taking them with me would be inviting malignancy into what is mean to be vibrant and healthy and delicious…

That realization makes me sad. I miss them. A lot.

This is bittersweet, this moment of clarity. Uncomfortable too. In all our history, I have never clung so completely to Mister. It makes me uneasy, this complete openness. But right now, it’s what we need. We need to be all we’ve got. We need to learn to hold so tightly to eachother and to what we share that noone and nothing can divide us, and I’m coming to realize that that has to happen on an individual level first. Separating from those who don’t support us and standing tall as we support each other. 

It’s good and it’s right. That’s the way it oughta be.

I love my girls, but … it’s time to move on… and move forward…

just my thoughts.

Ro

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One Response to Friendship

  1. Elspeth says:

    Beautifully written as usual Ro.

    It is hard when we’ve conditioned to believe the lying adage, “men come and go, but girlfriends are forever.” How we reconcile this with God’s truth on marriage can reveal things about our friendships that we’d rather have remained hidden. But HE will give you friends who share your values. I believe that. I have lived that. It sometimes takes a while for them to emerge.

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