The Noise In My Head Tonight…

Ya know, as 2011 ended and 2012 is beginning, I have an awful lot of stuff in my head and heart. I’ve been thinking a lot about fear and a lot about grace and a  lot about fresh starts and hopes & dreams…

Every year ends and begins w/a time of reflection for me but this time, God is doing something different. This time, He’s asked me to begin the year by allowing Him to prepare me… Speaking to me differently. Cleaning house emotionally. Opening doors naturally and spiritually. Teaching me to dream and hope again. It’s just all different this time. My prayers, my thoughts, my confidence.

‘You have always suppressed pain in order to do what you believe is right. I want you to give me what’s left of the pain. Don’t suppress it. Let me take it. Let me replace it with something so much better. Give it to me so that as I work, you don’t destroy what you’ve worked so hard to see Me establish.’

‘Tell me what you want. You pray for what you believe is right. You ask for what you believe is righteous. Ask for what you want. It is ok to desire something for yourself. It is ok to trust your heart and to seek me for you. Your heart is broken before me and your desires are the result of My work in you. Ask me for what you want. Your prayer time will feel unispired and arduous until you are willing to be bold and give me your desires.’

‘Pray until you sense in your spirit that it’s done. You will know when it is finished. Dont’ stop praying until you know.’

‘Trust Me. I will not give you new pain. I will not break you anymore.’

‘Do not be afraid. It won’t hurt anymore. It’s ok to love…’

And all this is about so many things in my life. Everything really. The sense in my spirit that there is change all around me, newness to be uncovered. The knowledge that God’s grace in this Job season really has been sufficient. The beauty of the fullness of His glory. The excitement that for the first time in years, I don’t dread the year ahead and I’m not looking for the nearest exit.

The sweetness of the sense that freedom is right in front of me and mine for the taking…

It’s a heady feeling, this feeling of joy and anticipation. And it’s an overwhelming one, the feeling of all that’s gonna be different as things fall into place. The sense of responsibility and the unknown. The knowledge that it’ll all be new territory in uncharted waters.

I feel like an infant goin into this year. I feel like I’m gonna be taking baby-steps.

And instead of trepidation, I’m full of expectancy and wonder.

Such a change from the past few years. So much to learn and know and adjust to. But. Such a welcome change from the past few years.

God’s goodness is all around me an I’m just not sure how to flesh it all out. And maybe that’s the point. Maybe instead of trying to understand it, I just need to revel in it and allow myself to be fully immersed in the beauty of the experience.

Worship. In so many ways and shapes and varieties. It’s all that’s inside. All I want to do. All I seem to be able to do. Worship. Because He is who He said He was and because I have gotten the privilege of  my life being a living testament to His greatness. Worship can be my only response…

I’m sure I’ll be back sooner than later.

Happy New Year ya’ll.


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