Just Thinkin’

One of the things I’m learning about restoration is that it doesn’t allow room for suppression or lingering in the past. If you’re gonna fully reap the benefit and the blessing, you really have to face and deal with the old things – otherwise the new is tainted…

I woke up this morning thinking. A LOT. Thinking that instead of fighting myself and begging God to just take away the rest of the thoughts that plague me and hurt me, maybe I should just try something new. Maybe I should just talk to him and tell him what’s in my head. Maybe I should just give him a clue and explain some of what makes me tick these days so that he’s not at a loss or feeling neglected when I pull away. Maybe if I just say ‘babe, i know i seem distant but it’s not because i’m angry; it’s because blah blah blah’, it’ll help him not feel like i’m punishing him for the stuff that is quickly (gratefully) becoming not worth revisiting or replaying.

Maybe if i just invite him into my headspace it’ll work to our advantage.

Novel idea, right? Yeah. I thought so too.

Recovering. Recapturing. Rebuilding. Restoring. Somehow it’s a lot more joy than I thought it’d be. A lot more fun, getting to know eachother again in the aftermath. A lot sweeter grabbing hold of little moments full of big meaning.

And it’s taking a lot more courage than I expected. Before, I just stopped dealing because it seemed wasted; that didn’t help us. It really probably only made things worse. Now I’m dealing honestly and forthrightly – and gently (all Jesus 🙂 ) -and it seems to be building a bridge and making communication something we both look forward to as opposed to something we’d rather avoid at all costs.

We’ve come so far… we have so much left to face, but man. We’ve come so far. Now we’re really getting to the good stuff. Now we’re finding the sweet spot. Now things are falling into place inside for us both and I gotta say that it’s the best thing I’ve experienced in a long time. We might not be unscathed, but we are definitely on the way to an unfettered friendship and intimacy – in all it’s facets.

It’s amazing what happens when all the pieces work. It’s amazing what conviction, commitment, consistency and obedience yield – even at a price you never thought you’d be willing to  pay.

I’ve got my friend back and my love.  It finally feels safe. It finally feels like rest between us. It finally feels like the right thing to have weathered the storm.

I’m a grateful girl in this part of the journey; a grateful girl with a heart full of bubbles and butterflies and rainbows.

it’s a beautiful place, this happy. A beautiful full intoxicating place.

I wouldn’t change a thing. And maybe I should tell him that, too. 🙂


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