I have started this post so many times and for so many different reasons that I’ve lost count.. but finally… the words are coming…

Life really has been pretty mundane. Normal ups and downs, nothing special. Learning how to navigate new territory and taking baby-steps into a future that I can be ok with now… then sickness comes…

Not for me. For my grandfather. And it’s tough. Real tough.

His time here is short and we are doing our best to walk this thing out…

I remember losing my dad’s parents within months of eachother more than ten years ago now. That was hard. It hurt and it took me some time. But I was young(er). I didn’t know what death really did to a family, what it could mean, the toll it could take. I had no concept of all that comes with losing your headship, as a family…  But this time, looking at it through mature eyes, with a heart that has lived a lot of life in a condensed time – one that understands weariness and being too tired to keep goin’ and just wanting to be done with this part of the journey… this time it’s resting on me in a completely different way.

I am sad. So so sad. But I’m not angry. My heart hurts but there isn’t any feeling of regret or ambivalence about what we are facing. Because God has taught me in no uncertain terms that He is sovereign and that what He does is ALWAYS for our good – whether or not our feelings echo that sentiment. He’s God and He knows. And in this situation I am genuinely ok with that.

I have had time with my grandfather to love him and to know him and to care for him. I have confidence that he knows he’s one of my favorite people on the planet. So no regrets… I also know that his eternity is sure. He is a believer and he will meet Jesus face to face real soon. So no ambivalence.

I knew the moment that I saw God’s peace rest on him in his hospital bed, that it was time to start saying all the stuff that matters. And I knew that he knew as well. No need to feel bad for him. He’s getting the very thing we all strive for in this life: eternity with His Lord.

What makes it so tough is that it changes the landscape of our family. My grandmother’s whole life will be something it hasn’t been since she was 16 years old: separate from my grandfather. Caring for her, comforting her, loving her, falls to all of us in a whole different way now. Our live will be different in just a myriad of ways and I think that we’re all unsure and afraid of how it will look and the toll it will take…

This time of his transition; it’s such a letting-go for us all. What do we cling to? Who is our head? How do we hold all the pieces together? And then for my PawPaw, what about his wife? How will she handle this? Will the kids be strong enough?

Then God whispers to my spirit: My Grace is sufficient for you.

And I know that it is. Beyond a doubt, I know that it is…

***grateful, Lord, for the time to give him our love now. grateful for all the graces you’ve given us this last few weeks. grateful for the people who care for him personally and don’t see him just as another patient to bill the insurance company for. grateful for his salvation and the legacy of faith that is being shown and strengthened right now. grateful for the worship that is resting in us all in this final leg. grateful that You are so faithful. grateful that we are not alone. thank You for being our God. we love You and we choose service and submission to You even in the face our our pain. we grieve Father, but we do not mourn – because he is not dead; he will only sleep. We revere You and we respect Your sovereign will and reign for and over our family. Thank you Lord for the way that You love us…***

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2 Responses to Heaven-Bound

  1. Elspeth says:

    Prayers for your family, Ro. God bless.

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